I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just had sex on a roof
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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