So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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