You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize