it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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