dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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