I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
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I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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