i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize