don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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