there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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