while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
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2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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