i wish my penis had a tongue
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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