a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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