Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
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I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dicks are not precious.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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