fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
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This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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