Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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