Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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