he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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