So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
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It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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