mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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