News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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