All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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