Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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