I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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