when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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