I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize