Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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