Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
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she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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