1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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