I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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