Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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