as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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