My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
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I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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