She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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