I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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