I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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