I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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