My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
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I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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