you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get the cat blown out
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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