Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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