Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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