yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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