you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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