Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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