One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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