I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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