I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
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He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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