Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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