I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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