I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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