ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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